Last Night before we depart

Hi diary,
I am back again, after a very long gap.Its the last night together before my mother will arrive and 2 months curfew period starts. And probably last night in this house because I think he'll go to his hometown and then has to shift after coming back. I love this house. I have collected infinite memories here. I love this place, where I have spent most cherished moments of my life. This very room from where I writing this blog, I love everything about it. Broken cot, always present table which always was(only few hours left here thts y using was) my companion in sharing my load. A chair which is not permanent resident of this room but I love it anyways. Love watching outside the window, the tree, the front house, the sky, the flowers...everything witnessed what I experienced here. I love the kitchen where I watched him preparing food and loved it. Loved the way he cut vegetables...the typical expression only he can give...:).
He is sleeping right now. Just want to kiss him goodnight as I will never be able to do that again in this house atleast. He looks so cute when he sleeps..I can watch him all night. How will I be able to survive the coming 2 months. I just hope that I don't miss him too much....although i know that is not possible. I already miss him though he is right in front of me.How can I tell him that how much I love him. He deserves infinite love..I don't know whether I will be able to give him atleast 1/10th of it.
As this is my last night here..I thought probably we can talk all night atleast till 2 or 3. But he slept, as always. I know he is not able to stay up all night...but today was special...so...anyways it doesn't matter...I got him thats the biggest gift or reward of my life.
I pray from the bottom of my heart, my love get whatever he loves...including me ofcourse...:D

Love u jaan...forever and always...rhea

DEATH

Believe me,if u can, when I die,
I want you to be by my side.

Will ask you to hold me tight,
As it was and will always be only your right.

I want to be close to your heart, so that I can hear,
Because its the only thing that soothes my ear.

When tears will flow down my cheeks,
Please fake a smile, for it is what I seek.

Embrace me, hold my hand and give me a kiss,
In heaven or hell, I want to remember it and not miss.

Our souls so close, so in sync,
vanishing off all my despair, leaving me pink.

I wont lose sight of u, and never close my eyes,
As I want to remember ur face, ur smile ,ur voice.

He will come,take me away from u and put my life to an end,
But before that happens I just want to say I love u once again.

"Playing Truant from the Company..." - by "THE FRIEND"

Never in my life I might have surmised that playing truant from the company will be so rewarding for me.
This was the second consecutive day that I had feigned sickness to get rid of the monotonous office work.
Mails from colleagues and Boss were dropping to probe tat all was well with me.
That evening around 5 or so came a call from ma Roome which really gave me a reason to cheer for.
He broke the news of returning home late in the evening.
That gave me the chance to bring home an Angel who till noon was in two minds about whether or not to take this plunge.She was pretty scared about the recent drubbing she had got frm the Boss.
But somehow her heart got the better of her mind and she finally paid heed to her heart's call in seeing someone whom her heart was missing for a couple of days.The oft penny-savvy gal forked out a century and a half just to spend an hour and a half with this very special frnd of hers.
The evening lit up as enever before and I could feel the hot rush of blood in my throbbing heart when I held her palm in ma hands.She was cold as ever.Both in her arms and tongue.
By Jove,this was the first time our "house' had something to welcome a "guest".
But I chose her fav "choc" over the Biscuits,Bananas and dates that lost the chance to serve the Angel.
They will never forget me.I seek their pardon only to somehow assure them that the Angel is sure to visit the place again and take their homage ever,to come again....

"The Friend"

Hi all,
This entry is all about a special someone, a very special friend (at least I think so). I started talking to him only a few days back. And from the very first day we started chatting, I don't know how but I opened my heart out in front of him. I told him what I didn't even told my best friends,not even geetu(sry [:(] ). And i know I m not the kind of person who opens up so easily, actually I never did something like this before. Obviously I haven't told him this, because I don't want to get hurt. I know, don't ask how, that he will never hurt me, but I am just too afraid of getting betrayed. Although I have 3 friends in my life who I trust with my life, but don't know why I never happened to have the courage to tell them all about me and what I always think,what worries me. But when I talk to him, it is like I don't have to think twice before speaking anything. And now I am terrified of myself. How can he be able to make me talk. I am afraid I'll tell him what I am even afraid of telling myself. I just hope that my first and I think will not be last decision to be friends with someone so fast won't go wrong in future. But now I feel like even if he does something in future to hurt me, I am and always will cherish our friendship.
Thank you GOD, for providing me an opportunity to meet him.

PAIN

It hurts. It hurts a lot. It hurts because of not having someone who would care for you as no other person and what you probably truly deserve. It hurts from the thought of being afraid of doing an arrange marriage. It hurts when you see two people so in love with each other and you will be reminded of that you are still alone. Still devoided of the feelings they are experiencing. Or when you are with a couple who cares for you but then again not paying attention to you as they need to be with each other.
It hurts when you loose someone without knowing what could have been if you would have told them about how you feel. It hurts to see yourself so desperate for that someone special that you start seeing yourself in every other individual in your surrounding. It hurts not to be noticed, not to be recognised. And it even hurts more when you are not able to sumup enough guts to go to someone and talk to them, just normally,even when you wanted to so badly.
I don’t know how to relieve this pain. Whom to share with. How to get over it. I know I smile daily, but that smile won’t mean anything. It is fake, a total fake. It only symbolises failure. But I smile again next day, in order to remind myself that there is still hope for you. This is not the end. So keep smiling.

What Is True LOVE

What is true love?I know lots of articles,views,stories,movies are written and made and then also we have different views about this magic word LOVE.So here I am among one of u writing about my view point of love.And the experience I gained is not from having true love in my life but watching movies and having the gift of some best frnds in my life who have experienced it.
When I see someone and if he is looking at me and this includes a passerby on road,I think he likes me.Every single guy till now I thought likes me.But I guess I always knew that noone of them likes me,but it makes me happy for that moment to think that may be he is the one.And here I am living my life in this illusion from last 24 years and the result is I am alone having no one near me to love me,to hold me,to share my thoughts with me.And here I am not trying to ignore the presence of family or friends but the place of that someone special is according to me can never be filled by anyone else in this whole world.
I know people say that having atleast one person who really care about you even though he or she is your family or friend,at time you are dying is worth living for.But what I think is everyone needs a person who can feel you,understand you,read your thoughts better than u do.A person who is not only worth living for but worth dying for too.A one who would do anything for u and u could do anything for him without having a second thought.I have thought a million times and a million situations for atleast tens of the ones I come across daily that how would we look together.How someone among of them propose to me.Every time I watch a movie I think someday this will be me standing there with my special someone.He will hold me tightly,look into my eyes deeply and say how beautiful I look even though I would be looking the worst in that dress.He who says how perfect I am for him and will always be.
I think these thoughts we all have,atleast I do.And most of us think this is how true love should be.And when we meet him it must be some magical,out of d world experience.A bell,sudden rain,something unexpected or weird would happen which will give us some kind of sign that he is the one for us.
But no I can assure you this wont be the case.There will be no signs,no music,no rain.no bell to tell u that he is your lucky guy,I know u all out there must already have someone in your life, a someone who really care about you and making every bit of effort he would to assure you that he will take care of you till the very end but its you only who keep on ignoring that person and keep searching for someone who may be wont even exist in this material world.
And I am able to tell you this from my personal experience as I have ignored all of them by just pointing out unnecessary and foolish things in them.But I want to just say that please don’t keep on waiting and wasting your life which you can make definitely better by just not be in some kind of illusion or living a false dream which will probably never come true and you end up iiving alone just like me.So please learn something from my experience and just make the most out of your life and with someone special who is just there in front of you and you never gave him a chance.
All The Best To All Of You.

Small Things Do Matter

Its been a long time since I wrote a blog.So, here I am again writing something irrelevant as usual.I am just thinking what life really would be if we all start living life according to our plans.But obviously its not possible because our plans are made according to what we are supposed to do and that according to me is the worst driving factor one should have.Instead we should be doing what we love to do.It is always advised to do what one actually enjoy,but how many of us actually do so.
I for example always wanted to do something crazy,stupid,something which don't make sense at all like to whistle in the cinema hall(I can't because I am a girl blah blah blah.....),to sit in a middle of road at midnight and watch stars shining bright in d vast blue sky,or to get out of d hostel after closing hours and have fun with my friends and much more.
All these things seems little but the joy they can give no other thing can.The shivering which you feel while doing this is the best feeling in world.But, in spite of all those things we choose to follow the path of regrets,grievances,sufferings and sorrow which we bear for whole of our life and don't let anyone enter this firewall of our feelings to be breached by anyone other than ourselves(or sometimes not even ourselves).
What I wanted is someday on a beautiful sunny morning i wake up and will do everything I love to do, even if it is the most unimportant thing to do.I want to live everyday of my life as if I am in love with life with no regrets by my side to pain me.
And all this needed courage, to take risk of being different from others(not really),while I am still in search of it inside me.

Effect atleast a life

There are so many people around you.....every day,every second whom you even wouldn't notice.Passing you by.Talking,gossiping,laughing,having fun. But their are few among them who are feeling sad,guilty,broken,crushed. They either just needed a word of consolation,sympathy,support or somebody to hear them.It's just not easy to let somebody in.To let somebody know you so well....even better than you.It just needs lot more than courage to let somebody hurt you to cause you an irrepairable pain.I just sometimes wanted to tell my friends how i feel,to share what they meant for me.Its really hard to show that you love them more than anything else in this world and you would do anything to have them.I think if you will be able to do so...to let someone know who you really are,it may change their lives.We in our lifetime effect may lives,but main point is in what way we are effecting their lives.Is it for good or you are making it worse.either way you effecting them and it is easy to only effect their lives, but it takes a lot of pain,courage,a big heart and most important forgiveness to make them realize that even they won't matter to the world but they matter to you.To let a person know that he or she is worth fighting for let them realize that you are always going to be their for them.You are surrounded by friends,family,love,laughter....but all of this only matters when you matters to them.And the only way to do this is just open your heart in front of them, let them in,let them know you,understand you and make them feel what you really feel for them.Its the only way.......and do this before its too late.
I don't know when I will be able to do this..........I am working on it.But best of luck to all of you out there.Hope you all find it worth reading and finally worth trying it for.

SOMEONE......

SOMEONE.......a word....which effects your life in every possible way.Someone....the one,someone.....always yours,someone.....hurts,someone......leaves,someone......reliable........or in short a word giving meaning to your existence.
It is hard to believe that their is a person who can make you so vulnerable to life(or to death may be),such that "IT"(its better this way) can control your life.Knows so much about you that 'it' is better to stay away rather than going closer(which obviously we all do).
At some point of time,it all feels so perfect.Its like,life actually giving you more than what you want.That their is someone who thinks about you,care about you....loves you.Their is 'it',who can make you feel beautiful even though you look creepy,comes to you in times you needed 'it' the most,gives you all the reasons in the world to trust it,to tell you how 'it' feels about you every time you are having a single doubt in your mind about going further with 'it'.
You are enjoying every moment of your life with 'it'......whether it is getting wet in the rain,talking your heart out without thinking of consequences of what advantage 'it' is going to take,sitting alone with 'it' in a starry night...doing nothing and feeling the beauty that how much you enjoy even the silence with 'it',taking a long walk....barefoot.....on the road.....just talking nonsense.........discussing topics you never been interested in....just to keep 'it' talking to you, and all this just because you think that this 'it' can be your someone.
But I guess you are wrong from the beginning. This 'it' can never be the one whom you are searching for all this time and fooling yourself by letting you believe that may be this is the last mistake 'it' did.But at last you know,none of those mistakes were last.Those mistakes were just the beginning of few others.......and this never ends,until you realized that the only way to end up all this is to end up your search for that someone in 'it'.
So bloggers....if by chance any of you are reading this,just wanted to say......all the things i have written above are true.....but that doesn't stop us from keep searching our someone,because 'it' is out their somewhere,waiting for you to show up and reach to 'it' and make 'it' feel that it is really not 'it'...but 'it' is actually someone......your SOMEONE.

wanna scream

I don't know in what state of mind am I right now.....but whatever it is, it just consumed all of me.My power,my strength,my confidence.....everything and every bit of it.I don't have a single ray of hope left in my life.....just wanna scream, and scream,and scream..........and scream.Just want to get away from all of this happening to me.........why me only. I know there are lots of people out their who r suffering more than me...but why only me among all others I know actually deserve to be sad.I don't know why I am being so selfish,so mean....but that is what I am feeling right now.
Just want to go to my best friend and spill it all out.It is all piling up in my mind and I can't take it any more.I am going to burst with all this pain.Just want to see my parents happy.Don't they deserve to be happy.....and when there is chance that I may fulfill their dreams,I am not able to find the way out of the place I am stuck in.
Want to do everything for them.....for me.Everything possible in this world to see them smiling.I suppose not every dream is meant to be fulfilled....not every heart finds what it seeks.....not every eye sees the world the way they wanted it to be......not every moment needs to be your best......That's what I call Broken Dreams.